beloved

i don’t let people in my life really easily.

but for some reason i always pick certain people i want to get to know, and once we start talking, i let my guard down and then i trust them completely.

i’m pretty sure that’s why people either say i’m really mean (because i don’t let you in my life) or really nice (because i want you in my life).

but then people move on with their lives and friendships fade and i get hurt…i hope i don’t get hurt again.

so today at church, people were talking about how they were going to room with each other next year and what not…it just made me realize that we’re all growing up and moving on with our lives. i won’t have any idea who my roommate is and i’ll be on my own making new friends…the thought is both terrifying and exciting. (well, unless i go to nyc then i’ll have jathina :D haha)
i generally don’t like to talk about school related things with people outside of ib because i always get weird looks and the conversation always gets reallyyyy awkward…-_- haha

lately i’ve been thinking about something…
i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m not going to miss anyone when i go away for college except for a veryyy small group of people. i mean i’m going to miss my family A LOT of course, but as for non-family members…honestly, there’s probably only like 5 people that i’m really going to miss…i feel like i have best friends, but they’re not really my best friends? i feel like it’s just a label and i’m actually pretty detached emotionally. none of my friends know me as a whole; they only know one half or one part of me.

i feel like a bird trapped in a cage…i’m ready to fly out and explore the world.
i’ve been thinking about college and what it’s going to be like…
i really hope i can find the right church for me and the right group of people to hang out with. i’m just gonna trust God to help me out. :]

(arice in wonderrand reference if you were wondering :P)

today felt like a dream…my SAT score still hasn’t hit me yet. (i’ve signed on and off collegeboard several times to make sure it’s still there :P)
the Lord is amazing & i know he has great plans for me (and you!)<3 
i feel like so many more paths opened up for me and my parents were ecstatic as well. lol, i keep making fun of my mom because before i got this score, she would always be like “why are you applying to columbia? that’s a waste of money” and now she’s like, “apply to cornell! HARVARD!!!! go to columbia!! or any ivy league!!” bahaha. she cried cause she was so happy haha a lot of my family’s joy had to do with the fact that on april 1st, 2010 (the last time i got my SAT scores) i literally broke down. it was my lowest point. i cried so hard because of my stresses that built up throughout junior year and just IB in general. i really felt like giving up and i didn’t want to go on with school anymore. but the Lord helped me pick myself back up and even gave my family the opportunity to go to korea because of my SAT score lol everything really happens for a reason.

anyways, i’m super grateful and God continues to amaze me more and more each day. :)

omgomgomg.

THE LORD IS GOOOD. thank youu!
i can’t believe this. omg…<3

sunday night i had a dream that my scores came out and this morning when i checked it, i got the same scores. :] God told me my scores in my dream haha i am in shockkk.

cause my mom and i always hang out and have lunch or go shopping. :) i gotta spend as much time as i can with her cause i’m leaving next year!

today was a nice, relaxing day. i’m such a shop-a-holic. -_- so bad…haha every time my parents buy me something i always feel bad and super grateful. i’m definitely going to work hard and pay them back! i’ve made it one of my main goals to repay my parents for everything they’ve done for me. :] i’m so blessed. thank you, Lord for my family.

(WARNING: REALLY LONG & RANDOM POST/RANT MAINLY ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS :P)

it’s been almost a year since the first time we started talking. i miss the way i felt when we talked. i miss the excitement, the butterflies, the curiosity, the getting to know each other stage. (buuut, i don’t really miss you, lol. just saying.)

listening to songs (especially taylor swift songs), watching chick flicks, seeing other couples…it all makes me feel bittersweet. i mean, i’m super excited to meet the person God has for me and make memories with him, but i’m such an impatient person. sigh. -_-

i’ve never been in a “good” or “stable” relationship with anyone…i mean i learned a lot of lessons from all of my experiences but i kind of wish i didn’t have to learn in those ways…getting hurt, being used, conforming, etc…but i did.
God is truly, TRULY amazing for forgiving me. it leaves me speechless.

i just really want to meet that person…THE ONE. haha he’s just chilling out there somewhere in the world, hopefully waiting for me too. our relationship will definitely be based on God.
one of the MOST important lessons i’ve learned from my experiences is: without God, your relationship is just going to fail. you guys should be on a similar level spiritually and you should be able to talk to each other about God and your spirituality. have bible study dates! :] haha
other lessons that i’ve learned…

1. once a player, always a player. ALWAYZZZ. he’s not going to be any different the 5th time he comes back crying & apologizing than the first time. God may work some miracles on him, but it’s NOT your job to wait around until that happens.
2. don’t let a guy MAKE you pay. he doesn’t have to pay all the time, you guys can pay individually if you want & girls should definitely pay too, but don’t ever let him force you into paying. for example, “if you wanna hang out, you pay.” HAHAHAH WOW. yes, boys and girls, someone has actuallyy said that to me before. 
3. don’t let a guy use you in ANY way. you can help him with school stuff, but don’t do his hw for him. & definitely don’t let him use you physically.
4. if he doesn’t compliment you EVER & even insults you…HE HAS GOT TO GO. lol…i can’t believe you called me fat. you were never encouraging, you never complimented me. EVER. (btdubbzzz, you were def. da fat onez.) all girls deserve to be respected & treated like the best.
5. i understand that everyone gets busy, but if someone doesn’t reply/talk to you AT ALL for more than a couple of days (AND WITH NO APOLOGY)…yeah, he’s gotta go. 
6. don’t let him treat you like crap in front of his friends. he should want to let everyone know you’re his girlfriend.
7. you should be able to be yourself around the guy. you should be comfortable & you should like the person he brings out in you. he should be your best friend.

7 is a weird number to stop at…but those were the main ones i wanted to mention :P sorry, i got a little riled up while writing some of them hahaha i’m no taylor swift & can’t write songs about them, but these are important things that unfortunately a lot of girls don’t know or they just compromise themselves and their values just to be with someone.

dear Lord,
please protect my future significant other and keep him safe and healthy.
p.s. i can’t wait to meet him! :]
love, Christine.

(yeah…i wasn’t planning on writing all of this AT ALL haha so the title is a little irrelevant :P)

it shows me that you haven’t completely moved on with your life & forgotten about me.

today was bittersweet; both of you talked to me & it reminded me of old times, but i would be a fool to think that everything is going to go back to “normal.”

i didn’t realize how much i missed you until i saw your new picture.
i miss meeting you after classes & on the weekends. i even miss getting physically and verbally abused by you. -_- hahah
anyways, i’m glad you miss me too. :) hope all is well in canada!

i had the weirdest dream last night! i hope it comes true? but dreams can either be the same or the opposite in reality…makes me nervous -_- AHHH! thursday needs to come sooner so i’m not so anxious anymore. :/

HARRY POTTER NEXT MONTH!!!!!! i’m exciteddddddd!!! akdjadkjal :) & i still need to go to harry potter world.

& i just want to thank the Lord for allowing me to have a successful photoshoot. :] i actually really like my pictures (FOR ONCE :P) haha i just gotta get the rest of my portfolio together :P bahhhh.

because i realized that i really do enjoy talking to you and hanging out with you.
i’m scared to get close to you because i know what the future holds and i don’t want to have to say goodbye & let you go like i had to do with the other two. sigh.

tonight was a much needed night out. :] even though we almost died and got lost on the way to see david choi, it was fun! hahah it was really cool when we were walking to orpheum and we saw him chilling in his car lol we freaked out :) he’s such a nice guy! and we got to meet him after the show :D (pictures on my facebook)

unfortunately, it’s still a school night. -_- so now i gotta do all my hw haha shouldn’t be too bad…but i’m already procrastinating by being on tumblr :P haha

oh hey, it’s been two months. let’s just talk like nothing ever happened.

we think we know a lot about other people and their lives because they’re our friends or family or because we’ve “heard” about them.

in reality, we know close to nothing. most of the time, thoughts and motives are hidden. people lie or just put up a front.
only the individual and God share the whole truth.

i’m always in a conflict with myself…the mature part of me and the part of me that still wants to be a kid and have fun. every week, every day it’s a struggle for me. i see all of these people my age around me, going out, having fun, and enjoying life. me, on the other hand…i usually just go home and study…prepping for college, working on college apps. plus, my parents don’t really let me hang out either. & it really doesn’t help when people get annoyed with me because i never hang out, but are YOU going to help me go to college? nope. i’m just trying to make the right decisions now so that i can have a better future. this may be offensive to some people but…i don’t wanna be stuck around in this town for the rest of my life, going to usf, while having a normal, boring job. it sounds mean, but that’s just how i feel; if you like that, then that’s you, not me. i want to go out of state, experience the “college life” in a completely different place where i don’t know anymore, meet new people, and hopefully find a job that i love. i know it sounds too “idealistic” or cheesy, but that’s my motivation. that’s the only reason why i go home when other people go out, the only reason why i choose to study and work hard in school. i’m thinking about my far future, not the immediate future. but it does get really hard sometimes and i want to give up. i don’t understand why i can’t just want to go to usf or uf with a normal major like other people…life would be so much easier for me. instead, i want to go to these insanely difficult to get into schools as an art major -_- but then i think, maybe God put that desire in my heart for a reason? idk…only time will tell.

& so tomorrow will present another challenge. my youth group is going to play flag football after church…as much as i want to go, i don’t think i can make it. why? because i have a never ending to-do list. even though i got most of my IA done tonight, i still have to work on other homework, college apps/essays, and my art pieces for my portfolio. i’m never truly done, just done with the immediately important things.

i just wish people would be more understanding of how conflicted i am.

as if high school & college apps weren’t stressful enough…
it’s not fair that ib kids have 94823948239 more things to do than normal high schoolers. -__-;
i guess that’s the price we pay to get a quality education & prep for college.

this history IA is gonna take me allll night longggg!

i believe in God & that we should try to live for him and show others his love. i believe that everything happens for a reason, even if the reason may not be clear to us immediately, because God doesn’t want to harm us, he has great plans for each and every one of us.

i believe in happiness that doesn’t come from materialistic things. i’m applying to college as an art major—i know, i know. i’m not going to make any money, blah, blah, blah. give me every single weird or condescending look you want, but i prefer not to be miserable when i’m studying or working. money doesn’t equal happiness; this life is temporary.

i believe in serving; thinking globally & acting locally. people are always complaining about the bad things in the world like poverty, pollution, etc. if you hate the way things are, then do something about it. you may say, “but i’m just one person…i don’t have the funding to do it…BLAH BLAH” nice excuses. even if you are one person, you can still contribute. you can volunteer at a homeless shelter and serve meals to those who are hungry. poverty doesn’t just exist in underdeveloped countries—it’s right here in our own communities. no one is asking you to change the world in a day—start recycling now, pick up the trash on the floors at school or the sidewalk—it’s the little things that count. if each person does something then it turns into a movement. yeah, there’s a lot of bad in the world, but we have all the potential to create a lot of good—especially if you have God on your side.

i wish there was no school tomorrow. :/ i really needed a three-day weekend! i’m just up doing stupid bio homework…i still have to read for english and do history (maybe? :P) haha
time goes by too fast sometimes! i didn’t get to do all of the things i wanted to do this weekend. i didn’t get to ride my bike or finish any art projects…but i did start another one! so that’s good i guess haha

tomorrow is your birthday. i wanted to get you something so i asked you what your favorite candy was. you told me you liked gummies & anything with chocolate + peanut butter. you also told me i didn’t have to get you anything because then you’d have to carry it :P well, i got it for you anyways. i was going to give up on our friendship, but i couldn’t…so this is another attempt at trying to reconcile with you. it’s nothing big, but it’s something.

it’s my last spirit week this week! ah! i’m gonna do every one of the days. :] unfortunately, my bio IA AND history IA rough draft is due this week…but eh, it’s no biggie. i feel like everyone kind of exaggerates how difficult it’s going to be lol hopefully, it won’t take too long?

i’m excited for wednesday! i get to sleep in<3 and then most likely spend time with my mom! yay, i can’t wait to go shopping (:

i’m sad to say that there’s some people i just don’t think i’ll miss once we all go to college.
sometimes i feel like i’m friends with certain people because we used to be friends since we were younger…as we grow older, people change. some of my relationships seem empty, like there’s nothing really holding it together besides the fact that we’ve been friends for so long. reality is, we don’t have much in common together anymore. people go their separate ways…